For saving the economy for being an even bigger fail, or something, TIME went and named Ben Bernanke its 2009 Person of the Year.
We are not generally in the business of heaping accolades on anyone, except our secret crush Jamie Dimon, so this whole thing is a little awkward. We really don’t even know where to begin — Person of the Year has included such noteworthies as Adolf Hitler, The Earth, Vladmir Putin, and You. Horrible people, in other words, so this may not even be an award so much as a condemnation. TIME even starts the piece out by calling Ben names:
He is not, in other words, a typical Beltway power broker. He’s shy. He doesn’t do the D.C. dinner-party circuit; he prefers to eat at home with his wife, who still makes him do the dishes and take out the trash. Then they do crosswords or read. Because Ben Bernanke is a nerd.
Ha ha, he lacks social mannerisms.
No wonder his eyes look tired.
Ha ha, he looks funny.
So here he is inside his marble fortress, a technocrat in an ink-stained shirt and an off-the-rack suit
Ha ha, he dresses like a Poor.
The article then goes on to explain why Ben is the best thing since sliced bread, how he saved us all from Bartertown because he is smart about the Depression, and that TIME would like to have his hirsute babies. Also, he seems to have superpowers:
recalls his MIT adviser, Stanley Fischer, who is now Israel’s central banker
says Mervyn King, who had an office next to Bernanke’s when they were young professors and is now Britain’s central banker.
What can we gather from this? Touch Bernanke’s beard and get your own central bank. Maybe he really is the person of the year.