Someone’s Gonna Get Murdered


We’ve featured sex here at LOLFed, and drugs, and booze, and today we’re completing the great circle with guns: Goldman Sachs employees have taken to arming themselves against possible populist uprisings.

“I just wrote my first reference for a gun permit,” said a friend, who told me of swearing to the good character of a Goldman Sachs Group Inc. banker who applied to the local police for a permit to buy a pistol. The banker had told this friend of mine that senior Goldman people have loaded up on firearms and are now equipped to defend themselves if there is a populist uprising against the bank.

Yes, this is what it has come to. Bankers are so hated that some are carrying guns in case they find themselves on the street and it starts to go down. This is actually kind of confusing because, you know, in New York it’s kind of hard to get a concealed carry permit, which means that for this to work the angry mob would have to either follow bankers to their homes or appear en masse at GS HQ, stop at the security desk and ask which office their intended target is in…the whole thing would look a lot like the end of The Blues Brothers, honestly.

Goldman employees…think about this for a moment. You work for one of the nation’s most hated institutions. You’re pretty unpopular already. But one of the few things Goldman has not yet been accused of is actually killing someone. Do you really want to be the one to break that long and storied tradition of not killing someone? That’s a guaranteed way to get your bonus chopped down to five figures, mister.

And everyone else…look. It’s okay to quietly taunt Goldman employees from a respectable distance, it’s maybe even okay to leave angry notes taped to the front door. But don’t go threatening them, they were once human beings and there may yet be a little of that goodness still inside them. You’ve already made some of them go out and buy pistols that they have NO idea how to handle, and they’re just going to shoot their boys off the first time they go to pull it out of their waistbands. We’d say that’s more than enough damage.